Craziness of Grief

For those of you who may not know my Grandmother passed away on Wednesday, July 16th. She lived more than a week longer than the hospice nurse had expected on Monday the 7th. Before her passing everyone in the family was able to say their goodbyes as was she and by the time she left us we were all ready to see her released from her suffering.

The weekend of the funeral was especially chaotic for my immediate family as we had planned Caleb's birthday party for the morning of the 19th. As God, the fates, luck and the funeral home would have it that turned out to be the same day as the funeral. Thanks to many wonderful friends I was able to plan and be present for everything necesary in the days leading up to the family events. On Friday the 18th we had visitation from 3pm to 8pm. It was a constant stream of family and friends paying their respects. My grandmother was one of nine children and most of them had a few children of their own. Add in grandchildren and some great-grandchildren and it was a full house all day.

Saturday morning from 10-12 we held Caleb's Thomas the Tank Engine birthday party in our church fellowship. I felt blessed to have with us two of my oldest and dearest friends and their kids and two of my closest new friends as well as a new friend in our neighborhood. The kids all seemed to have a great time, despite the fact that I was about to turn around and attend my grandmother's funeral. For Caleb it was a success because he had the "Thomas cake" that he was expecting for his birthday, for me it was a wonderful, joyous success in the midst of sadness.

So, a few friends watched my kids while Thom and I went back to the funeral home for two more hours of visitation and then the funeral and graveside service. Quite a few of us stayed to watch the men from the funeral home actually lower the casket into the ground and cover it. It was sad, but supremely true. It was one of the truest moments I have ever experienced. While as a Christian I believe that my grandmother's soul, which I will call, her personality - is in heaven with Jesus, her body is most definitely at that specific spot on the earth until Christ returns. Having moved a lot in my life most of my grieving has been over saying goodbye and knowing that life continues on without me in a place and with people I'm leaving behind. Not so with death. She is gone from the places she has always been. Her presence in our lives is gone and left only with a void. She is exactly where she was placed on the day of her funeral -- and at the same time rejoicing with God. A difficult and perplexing thought that easily leads me to understand why God cautioned against communicating with the dead. On the one hand it seems utterly futile and on the other hand they have an enviable perspective that we cannot gain this side of death.

Meanwhile on that Saturday, we came home and got the kids and ate dinner with the rest of the family at a meal that was provided by my grandmother's church. After the meal Mom & Dad, Thom and I, the kids and my brother and sister-in-law all returned to my parents house. We were the epitomy of exhausted. We were literally collapsing in various corners of the house too tired to entertain or even be entertained.

Sunday came with the need to go to church and say some words of thanksgiving to those who had helped me through the week and taken the time to come to the visitation. Sunday was also my sister-in-law's birthday and my brother's birthday had been on the 16th -- the day my grandmother had died. So, we had planned to celebrate on the 20th and celebrate we would. We all gathered at John & Sara's house with gifts and food and smiles and tried our best to relax. John played a great collection of 80s music and all was good, so long as none of us thought about it all very much.

It's been a little over a week since then. We have all spent time trying to get our feet back on the ground -- catching up on laundry, dusting, potty-training, 3rd grade spelling, etc.

I'm exhausted, but recovering.