The last leg

Again, I wasn’t sleeping. My eyes closed and opened again on restlessness. “You can relax,” I told myself, “you are at John and Tina’s house now. You are with friends.” At one point, John woke up and moved to occupy a sleeper sofa not far away in the living room. I noticed him by a pair of socked feet out of the corner of my eye. Not having brought anything myself, I slept in my clothes. “Where is this place?” I thought. “Somewhere between New England and Tennessee. Somewhere between the past and future? . . . I must be in shock.” I turned over, finding a better position on the couch. “Look!” I said, ubraiding myself, “God has given you so much. This is a fantastic opportunity for you and for your family. Stop griping. Stop moaning about like something awful has happened!” But isn’t reality more complicated than that? Can’t you grieve and rejoice at the same time – is this a mood with no words?

Daylight slipped through the front window. Realizing we were both awake, John and I considered just getting up. It was good to be here. We hadn’t seen either John or Tina in years. And now, meeting their daughter, H. for the first time was a wonderful occasion. The adults congregated in the kitchen. It had been refurbished in the last few years, and L. and I admired it. John and I talked about books, about work, about his interest in the form critical developments behind the American Constitution. My mind felt disorganized. In-transit. Finally, H. woke up – what a cutie! It took a few minutes, but she and Kara soon warmed to each other. Kara was so eager to meet her. Again, what a great attitude – Kara was handling this whole thing like a pro. Then we had to push on to Nashville (with a stop at one of our favorite restaurants: Misakes).

I don’t even remember the remainder of the drive. But when we pulled into L’s parents house – their beautiful retirement home nestled in a community with high-ceilings, cathedral windows and a rocky waterfall at the entrance – with two kids, a pack-n-play, boxes of clothes, guitars and toys and baby wipes and diapers and two vehicles a baby swing, a crib, blankets, legos, CD’s, and who knows what else – I just didn’t know if this was going to work despite everyone’s best intentions. And, frankly, neither did they.